Washington- CIA Director and former Army general David Petraeus
has abruptly resigned, after impetuously scuttling his impeccable
record, and extinguishing his un-distinguished career...
Petraeus confessed to an extra-martial affair with an
extra-terrestrial, Ginger Gloxymxyzptlk, a glowing female
manifestation of D5-brane solitonic quark-gluon plasma.
While he was at it, Petraeus confessed sheepishly to a sundry
assortment of sordid affairs, including Natasha Zhmerinka,
a red-haired Russian spy-witch, Helga Olssen, a Swedish massage
therapist, another "ho" whom he described simply as "his bitch",
a stocky, big-boned fraulein, Eva von Hemlich, a former spy for
the East German Stasi; Mademoiselle Gigi le Rue, a honeypot for
the French intelligence service, "Bessie", a cow from the CIA
training facility that is known affectionately as "The Farm",
and a sweetheart whom Petraeus described as the "fairest of all
my affairs- a broad by the name of Broadwell", who had written
his highly flattering biography.
CIA spokesman Jack Hammond explained that experience in foreign
affairs was key qualification for the position of CIA Director,
but that such a laundry list of lovers was not in keeping with
the spirit of that objective.
Conspiracy theorists immediately speculated that the Petraeus
resignation was deliberately delayed to help Obama's reelection.
Others argued that it was delayed to help Romney's election,
since after all, Petraeus was a Republican and a conservative
darling whom Obama had selected only in one of his many
futile efforts to make nice with the Republicans.
After many hours of mutual, hostile glaring, the two
opposing camps of conspiracy theorists called it a draw.
Petraeus also raised the specter of conspiracy, saying
that the scandal over his affairs was unfair and that
that he had probably been hit by a super-secret
hormone-drone weapon that had overpowered him with
Petraeus, a man who rose to the pinnacle of success from
humble origins, is expected to live out his days in quiet
The CIA, having become innured to scandal and humiliation,
through long exposure, is expected to continue with business
as usual, as if nothing happened, namely with more scandal
Ms. Broadwell told reporters that she is very excited about
the imminent release of her sequel to the Petraeus biography,
"Let's Roll (in the Hay) with the CIA and the most Infamous